


Concerning Hobbits and Their Writing

by darth_stitch



Series: The Bagginses of Bag End [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bilbo is a Writer Do Not Poke, Humor, M/M, Sassy Bilbo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-03
Updated: 2013-10-03
Packaged: 2017-12-28 08:25:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/989866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin and his nephews are rather proud of their respective Dwarven crafts and do not like to be poked about them.  In retrospect, they really should have known better than to poke at Bilbo and his Writing.  A.K.A.  The Story where Bilbo is writing "There and Back Again" and decides to kill off all the Durins, thus explaining why they're dead in "The Hobbit" but are actually alive in Real Life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Concerning Hobbits and Their Writing

**Author's Note:**

> This has been brought to you by Epic Kermit Flailing and the Squee Apocalypse caused by the new Desolation of Smaug trailer. 
> 
> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/62937385286/in-the-end-they-really-should-have-known-better)

 

In the end, they really should have known better.

Honestly, it wasn’t as if they were not all _creative_ in their respective ways.  Thorin was a master blacksmith and even as a young Prince in Erebor, he had already shown early signs of being a skilled weapons-maker.  And despite the fact that in these days, he ended up creating kitchen items, garden and farm tools, he still made these things with all the pride that Dwarves took in whatever they built. 

And if in these days, he made them with considerably less resentment and with a soft smile often playing about his lips, as if he were imagining each and every pot and garden spade were to be used by one particular pair of hands alone, that was Mr. Thorin Baggins’ business, thank you very much.  Even if _That Smile_ inadvertently brought in more paying customers - specifically, the goodwives of Hobbiton and the rest of the Shire. 

It was privately agreed upon that _no one_ was to make Thorin aware about the whole Thing with _That Smile_.

Kili and Fili Baggins, in their own respective crafts as jeweler and silversmith, were much the same.

And while we were somewhat diverted by dwelling a little upon the Smiles coming from Certain Dwarrows, the point we are trying to make is that none of these fine gentledwarves suffered _any_ interference or commentary with their specific Craft. 

They should all have remembered that the _exact_ same thing applied to Mr. Bilbo Baggins, as a writer and storyteller.  And while _writing_ did not quite involve much fire and the possibility of burning one’s self ( _Really, Bilbo, I am a Dwarf and I am quite used to the heat!)_ , it was an exacting and _difficult_ Craft all the same.  

So after hearing the nth _"Bilbo, things didn’t quite happen that way, did it?"_ from his Dwarves, specifically from the Idiot Who Had Actually Drawn a Sword On Him At One Point While Slowly Descending Into the Throes of Dragon-Induced Gold Madness, Bilbo quite spectacularly lost his temper. 

In his atypical deceptively calm manner, Bilbo pulled out a fresh sheet of parchment, skipped ahead a few chapters and began to compose how the House of Durin met its untimely, tragic end during the Battle of Five Armies.  With unusual eloquence, he described every wound and every blow dealt by that terrible Azog and how Thorin, Fili and Kili met their deaths, throwing in some suitably tragic dialogue that was cleverly devised to wring every last tear from the reader.

"… _There is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West.  Some courage and some wisdom, blended in measure.  If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.  But sad or merry, I must leave it now!  Farewell!” ***_

That Bilbo managed to actually _write_ all of that even with three pairs of nosy Dwarrow eyes reading over his shoulder was a mute testament that he was as much a Master of his Craft as they were of theirs. 

"But!  But! That didn’t happen!"  Kili wailed. 

"An Orc arrow pin-cushion - Bilbo, it was the TWO arrows! Maybe three, at the most!"  Fili complained.  "And I survived, thank you very much!  Though I honestly thought I wouldn’t survive the thumping I got from Mum when she came to Erebor weeks later." 

And then, there was Thorin, all big blue eyes in what was an Unspeakable (because it was Horrifyingly Adorable) Rendition of Kili’s Own Pathetic Otter Kittenface-eyes. 

(Yes, really, _Otter Kittenface-eyes_ were the only suitable words in Westron to describe that Look on Kili’s face that Thorin was so faithfully replicating.)

"You’re _really_ going to kill me off in this?”

"And us too?"  chorused the boys. 

“EVERYONE WHO IS A DURIN OUT OF MY STUDY THIS INSTANT I’M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL OFF AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME!!!!  BOTHER AND CONFUSTICATE YOU DWARVES!”

Fili and Kili had the sense to run for their lives.  Thorin was made of sterner stuff and lingered and had the utter _cheek_ to ask, “But you still love me, don’t you, Mister Baggins?” 

There was only one sane, sensible response to such behavior. 

Thorin’s braids, never mind that they were a symbol of his Durin bloodline, actually existed upon Middle-earth for one purpose only and that was for Hobbit hands to tug so that Bilbo could drag his head down and kiss his Idiot Dwarrow husband senseless.  

There was a gratifying whimper or maybe a groan and maybe Thorin _did_ seem to slump a little bit in Bilbo’s arms - the sudden weakening of said Dwarf’s knees may have everything to do with the way Bilbo nipped at his lower lip and soothed the bite with yet another, softer nip. Perhaps hands wandered a bit where they shouldn’t, at least not in Bilbo’s study but Thorin had a notorious weakness for the roundness of his husband’s bottom and Bilbo was now pressed against him in such a way that indicated that the _bedroom_ would be an incredibly better place to be right now.

Of course, a study door could always be _locked_. 

"I have said this before," Thorin rasped, between Bilbo’s fierce, knee-weakening kisses.  "But I _am_ truly sorry for my words and deeds at Erebor…”

And Thorin’s voice, with that particular tone, brought back all the memories with a rush.  The true ones, the ones that brought feelings and thoughts best left unwritten….

(It really wasn’t fair how terribly _beautiful_ Thorin remained, even in the worst of the gold-madness and that moment when Thorin had actually drawn a sword upon him, both of _them_ were horribly conscious of that intoxicating, poisonous stew of desire and lust and _want_ and Bilbo shoved those thoughts back down very deep in the back of his mind where they belonged…)

"We have had this conversation already," Bilbo interrupted him, managing to find his wits despite the Terrible Distraction in his presence.  And then, just because reasons, he pecked at that fine Durin nose.  "And you are forgiven and I still love you and I am still killing you lot off." 

And there, Mahal and Yavanna help him, was that smile, sweet and shy and pleased all at once and really, Bilbo had to shoo him out of his study this time, because he _had_ to write and the mood was upon him and while Thorin was temptation itself, he had _work_ to accomplish. 

Thorin, that incorrigible sod, managed to steal one last kiss before leaving Bilbo alone. 

In the end, Bilbo settled upon a less graphic route for the Tragic End of the House of Durin.  He was writing the book for _children_ after all. 

_\- end -_

**Author's Note:**

>  **Note the First:** Readers of the Hobbit will of course recognize the “merrier world” quote - written by Mister Tolkien himself. 
> 
> **Note the Second:** I blame beaniebaneenie and bead-bead for this Descent into Crazy. My Bilbo Muse is STILL 100000000000000000000000000% Done With Everything.
> 
> **Note the Third:** The reference to Kili as "Prince Otter Kittenface" comes courtesy of the lovely mangocianamarch of Tumblr - hail to thee fellow Pinoy Tolkien fan!


End file.
